Note: This is one I found in the drafts from last January but I think its worth publishing. As the holidays emerge again as they do every year to remind us to get clear.
I’ve been tight and wound the past 2 days and I just couldn’t place what it was. Coming off my amazing adventure over the new year’s ceremony in the mountains of Colorado with plant medicine and one of my most sacred teachers, I could feel life starting to creep back in. Before I left town, I left a bit of an emotional disaster area at home. My husband deep in his swirling abandonment issues and a mother in law sleeping on my couch, I gratefully left town with some friends to go spend some time with myself in the light. When I came home I realized what I snuck away from was still swirling in the bottom of the drain. It is inescapable, I guess. Or everybody is just so used to me, calling it out, calling it up, asking, pushing, pulling and clearing, so since I was out of town, it just sat…waiting for my return.
So I’ve been watching it. Sort of watching, sort of avoiding, sort of hoping I could float above its reaching claws. But its rolling its paw around my ankle a bit now and I am starting to get pulled into the abyss. In hopes of clearing it before it could clear me I desperately tried to get my loved one’s response to his own pain. I couldn’t help but to ask one night, if he was doing ok…he opened up for an evening, we talked while I cooked. I thought, “ahh ok, its out there. That’s better.” But then I realized it just got boxed up on the shelf, where it still sits. Because something is still there. I know it. I feel it. Its not right. Its not all mine! And it’s not going anywhere. I resent it. I don’t want to nudge you to fix yourself. I want you to push yourself onward and in. But the truth of it is I don’t think you would on your own. You’re content to think that everything is fine. Maybe I’m content to think that everything is fine with what I am willing to tolerate from our arrangement here. Or maybe its just the pattern, you hurt I decide what we are going to do about it.
So the word that came to me today, tolerate. God sent an angel, my friend, life coach and recovery goddess texted me a worksheet, “What Am I Tolerating” typed across the page. It asks me to list them and continued on to give 200+ examples of things you might be tolerating. I used some of the suggestions and then went rogue on my own. Things from having a poorly designed kitchen to no sidewalks and narrow streets in my neighborhood. I purchased the wrong light bulbs in my bathroom I tolerate them! I haven’t even considered to go get the softer light bulbs to replace the harsh LED blue lights. I mean like, duh, make life a little nicer! I’m tolerating my messy closet and the endless laundry, my unfinished paint job at my studio and tolerating the bullshit from my web guy. And in between the listings of my daily resistance towards what is…came some truth bombs. I have been tolerating an indifferent friendship. A friendship that I want more than is given back to me. A friend that I can’t really tell if she likes me. A friend that I would do more for than she would do for me. And it hurts my feelings and I’m tolerating it and have been for awhile.
I’m tolerating watching my emotionally hurting husband numb out. I am tolerating watching him know things aren’t ok but deciding to put it on a shelf. I’m tolerating not being honest with myself, not knowing how to say what I need without telling him what to do. I’m tolerating my co-dependancy. My automatic get in there and fix it for you so it doesn’t have to hurt us anymore.
The worksheet says, “You are tolerating more than you think.” well that became clear as I wrote. But then it says, “You don’t really have to do anything about them. Just becoming aware of and articulating them will bring them forward and in time you will know how to resolve them.” Well ok. So there they are. And it did help to articulate them. To write them and even rewrite them to share again here. It is the steps to bring me closer to what is true for me. To start to unwind the spiraling descent that contracts me. Takes me away from the light and love. Expansion and contraction, I don’t expect expansion all the time, But I do know that contraction is a nudge for me to come back to looking at what I’m gripping against, what I am avoiding getting clear about and tolerating its aftermath?